Why does my husband say that I am fat: the psychologist explains.

"Why does my husband say that I am fat?": Where do male attacks against the appearance of his wife.

To offend a woman simply is enough to say that she has recovered. And when a beloved man says about it, and not in the most delicate formulations, it really traumatizes. Is it always the case with a woman and the fact that she allegedly "dissolved herself?".

Psychologist Brittanie Ortiz says: often - the problem is in the men themselves. And that's why:

- Of course, not only the husband can comment on the appearance, it can be and colleagues, and relatives, and even their own children, but in the partnership it especially hurts and has its own dynamics.

Some statistics as an introduction: according to one of the studies [1], more than half of those surveyed would like to see their partner lose weight. Another study [2] tells us that people in a happy relationship are gaining weight, and in the unlucky - on the contrary, explaining this [3] that food and love are closely related to our brain.

What is most important from the above? You are not alone if you are disturbed by attacks from a husband/partner "lose weight". You are not alone if your body has changed since the beginning of the relationship.

Of course, this does not make it less painful to hear "you'd better lose weight" and such accusations fall heavily on the body, which, it seems, deprives you of a loved one, but is it really so? Is it really the body that is to blame for reproaching you?

Let's try to consider why this reproach becomes a part of the relationship. In this article I will write about reproaches towards women as a more common family pattern, but all of the below can be directed exactly the same against men.

Marriage as a project, the partner's body as a social status

In one of the articles of the journal Tatler dedicated to Melania Trump, from the words of an "anonymous source" it was written that Donald Trump had allowed his wife to give birth to a child from him only if it did not spoil her figure and she would do her best to make her body look like after birth , as on the day of the wedding.

True or not, we do not know, but the fact that for a certain type of men the appearance of the wife plays the role of status on a par with an expensive car, an elite apartment and a solid bank account remains a fact.

But again, this has nothing to do with the body, but only with a society where the appearance of the spouse is a marker of social status - whom you can afford.

If the Russian merchants of past centuries boasted to each other, whoever has a bigger cat and wife is richer, today, on the contrary, thinness (fortunately, though not a cat) is associated with success and wealth. And in this case, the partner's reproaches are connected with anxiety about the loss of his status, and it's not always about presidents or oligarchs, a citizen of average income can no less worry about "what people will say" if his wife recovered or a smartphone not the latest model.

Rich people always set trends the same way as stereotypes about health scanning by appearance existed long before "fat is equal to sick" - in a peasant family "slim woman" had no chance of getting married because of stereotypes about poor health and problems in childbirth.

When a marriage is a certain project about the status, about a free worker's hands or the heir's teacher, then those entering into it enter into an unspoken contract and become angry if one of the parties violates this agreement. Nothing personal, just business. Only the body has nothing to do with it.

Microaggression is a method of voltage relief

Any relationship - friendly, business, partner - generates a certain tension (because for their maintenance it is necessary to brake their desires and periodic concessions), and the quality of relations is determined precisely by the way of relieving this tension.

One of the not most constructive ways is microaggression. Constant injections, which can always be wrapped in "Well, you do not understand jokes," "I accidentally said (a)." That is, for example, a woman can not accurately quote how and when a partner told her that she is unhappy with her body, but nevertheless intensely feels the presence of this topic in the "casual": "Masha has become cooler, her husband is happy" and "Mom gave us cabbage here, says it is useful and low-calorie."

In the immense world of phathophobia (fear of fullness), an insult "fat" is universal for any woman, regardless of body weight. Anxiety "suddenly I recovered" concerns anyone, which means that a grain of doubt can be sown in everyone, which becomes a universal tool for expressing aggression in order to offend.

Why microaggression? Because direct aggression like "fat fool", "eaten up that is disgusting," "you look disgusting" is a toxic level of relationships that, in psychological terms, differs little from direct physical violence, in which case the question of one's own mental safety and methods its achievements are in the first place, if this is a resource to cope without outside help. It's not up to reflection that, how and why, this is the question of an early termination of such situations.

But on the other hand, if both partners have everything excellent with a sense of humor and light sarcasm, which, as is known, there are constructive ways to relieve tension (sublimation) of aggression, then there is nothing destructive in it. A sense of humor and self-irony saved more than one marriage, if both sides had a desire to preserve it.

At times it was necessary to observe families in which a sarcastic quarrel: "Ooty-ways are my puffy pies, what are you with us today?" - "Judging by our financial situation, I have a pie with cabbage from Auchan for a discount" - did not affect self-esteem and did not gave rise to anxiety, but were a silent arrangement of permissive jokes, a kind of family black humor.

But all, of course, individually, and if you are hurt by such jokes, and the partner, knowing about this, continues to pin you up, then it's not funny.

The clinical case of an obsession

As the definition in [4] states, a dysmorphophobic disorder about the appearance of another person (we translate it for greater clarity this way) is the same "fixation" on physical defects, as in the case of classical dysmorphophobia, only the object of anxiety becomes something from the body of another person, or the body of another in general, because "something is wrong with it and it needs to be urgently corrected." The level of stress caused by the "shortcomings" of the body of a loved one can be very serious, and in some described clinical cases even lead to suicide.

Literature and in English on this subject is not so much as the studies on clinical interventions, but for us one important consequence from the description of this disorder is important.

Namely - if this disorder, such as obsessions or phobias, then its cause is neither wrinkles on the partner's face, nor a round "irritating nose", nor "these nasty creases on the sides." It's like the fear of spiders is not related to spiders and their cute furry legs, it's a matter of that they are a phobic stimulus for a particular person.

The good news is that it is treated, unless of course not only you, but the partner also understands that the matter is not in the body and is ready to take certain actions to get rid of this disorder.

Specific body shape - sexual fetish

And the most, perhaps, sad and complex part of this text. Yes, it happens that a certain type of appearance is a sexual fetish - the type of figure, breast size, age, in the end. And it is much less common to say that women also have many fetishes associated with the male body. After ten years of marriage, one can quite easily find out the wrong, handsome man, who looked at the institute's half-year, and the more oversized cutie who, with all his warm attitude, does not arouse the erotic desires of his wife.

But in most cases women begin to look for a problem in themselves in such a situation, for example: "Something I have with hormones, sexual desire has disappeared".

Since the patriarchate tells women to appreciate anything in marriage, but not their sexuality, such experiences are rarely voiced even in the form of a constructive family discussion. Men, on the contrary, do not always delicately declare the loss of their sexual desire, often clothed it in the phrase "you would be good to lose weight and generally take care of yourself."

By the way, capitalism immediately picks up this problem, wraps it in a beautiful wrapper and sells it in the form of trainings, tablets, underwear and plastic surgeries. Not for men, of course.

Couples solve this problem very differently: from divorce to open relationships, from understanding and acceptance, that now the relationship is on a different level, to formal and informal mistresses and lovers.

This topic is complicated by the fact that today sexual desire is equated to love - as long as the partner wants, he likes to like and marriage does not threaten anything. Complicated by the fact that a woman begins to feel her body as a traitor and tortures him in the hope of returning "as it was." Complicated by the fact that if the spouse is financially dependent on her husband, she will have to put up with any decision, and the body again turns out to be extreme - because of him it all began.

Throw, change and cool to a wide variety of people - and to photomodels, and Hollywood actresses, and to "flawless" phytony. The only question is how a person will deal with the one next to him, with whom he promised love, care and respect, even if his sexual interests have changed. Whether this will be a rejection of one's sexual life - as in the case of a decision to remain faithful, for example, to a sick partner or it will be carefully hidden parallel relationships - choice and responsibility, and possibly a victim, always for a particular person, and not for someone else's a body that does not betray anyone, but fulfills its main task - to live.